Know the signs of coercive control
As part of Northamptonshire Serious Violence Prevention Partnership (NSVPP) “It’s Not Love, It’s Abuse’ campaign, we’re looking at how to recognise the signs of coercive and controlling behaviour, and why it can be so hard to spot. It can be especially difficult for the person experiencing coercive control to recognise what is happening. The behaviour may be justified or explained away and can initially appear as caring, protective, or simply a difference in personality.
Understanding the signs can give you the confidence to gently reach out and offer support when something doesn’t feel right.
Signs of coercive control
As friends, family, and colleagues, you may notice changes in someone long before they do, and early recognition is important. Someone experiencing coercive control may:
- Spend less time with friends, family, or colleagues
- Miss work unexpectedly, arrive late, or regularly call in sick
- Receive frequent or excessive contact from their partner during the workday, making it difficult for them to focus
- Show noticeable changes in confidence, mood, behaviour, or appearance
Louise’s story
In this video, Louise shares her experience of coercive control, highlighting the subtle signs and the impact they can have on someone.
Starting the conversation
If you are concerned about someone, it’s okay to check in and ask them how they are doing. A small conversation could offer comfort and open the door for them to find support. Remember, they may not feel ready to share or may respond in ways that you don’t expect, and that’s okay. They know their own situation best, and what feels safest for them.
Examples of what you could say:
- “You don’t seem yourself lately. How are things?”
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been cancelling plans. Is everything okay?”
- “I’m a bit concerned about you and wanted to check in.”
If someone chooses to share:
- Respect their boundaries
- Listen without judgement
- Avoid minimising or dismissing what they say
- Don’t rush them to make decisions or take action
- Avoid trying to “fix” the situation
- Help them feel heard and believed
Remember: Only they can choose if, when, or how to leave or seek help. Leaving an abusive partner is the end of a relationship, but not the end of the abuse. This can often influence the decisions they feel they are able to make.
The Friends and Family Handbook from Women’s Aid offers further information on how best to support someone you know.
Support is available
If you’re affected by any of the themes raised, or concerned about someone else, support is available.
Local and national services
For more information and support, visit the It’s Not Love, It’s Abuse campaign page.